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Perfekcjonizm, często widziany przez zmęczone mamy u innych mam. Innych, które są lepiej zorganizowane, lepiej ubrane, mają czystsze mieszkania itd. Można się tak nakręcać bez końca. Mój starszy syn należy do dzieci, które praktycznie nie śpią, a jak był malutki dodatkowo można by go zakwalifikować do gatunku „dzieci nieodkładalnych”. Kiedyś nie wierzyłam w takie wyjaśnienia. Uważałam, że skoro nauczyło się dziecko nosić no to normalne, że nie będzie leżeć. Jak to mawiają: byłam cudowną matką, a potem pojawiły się dzieci. Możecie mi wierzyć, albo nie, ale gatunek „dzieci nieodkładalnych” istnieje. Julian od pierwszych dni usilnie domagał się tego czego chciał najbardziej, czyli bycia ze mną na każdym kroku. Był najgłośniej wrzeszczącym noworodkiem na oddziale mimo, że nie był płaczliwy, a spędziliśmy tam 6 dni. Jednak szczęście i oczekiwanie na pierwsze dziecko tak naładowało mnie energią, że przez pierwsze pół roku praktycznie bez znaczenia był fakt, że spałam ciągiem maksymalnie 1,5 godziny. Niemalże wszystkie prace wykonywałam razem z Julkiem. Był ciągle ze mną i stale wysłuchiwał mojej paplaniny (wiecie: o pralka przestała prać, zabieramy się do pracy, czas wyjąć pranie z pralki, pójdziemy po klamerki, zobacz, musimy przyczepić tą bluzeczkę bo inaczej spadnie ze sznurka… i tak z każdą czynnością). Młody chłonął wszystko stale chcąc więcej. Mimo, że zaczynało brakować mi energii to fakt, że taki maluszek jest bezbronny, a beze mnie nie poradzi sobie z niczym, ładował mnie dalej. Po szesnastu miesiącach pojawił się kolejny mały, bezbronny człowiek. Kolejny zastrzyk energii starczył na sporo.
Jednak nie ważne jest na ile starczają akumulatory. Każda z nas kiedyś w końcu zaczyna odczuwać brak sił. Zazwyczaj w takich momentach zaczynamy dostrzegać perfekcjonizm innych i jego brak u siebie. Zaczynamy też odczuwać przewlekłe zmęczenie, frustrację, brakuje nam cierpliwości. Wiszący na nodze dwulatek, który nie daje nam spokojnie iść do toalety nie ułatwia nam powrotu do równowagi. Cała wina za nasz stan spada na nic nie winne dziecko. O ile wiemy, że nawet roczne dziecko samo sobie nie poradzi, o tyle od dwulatka zaczynamy już wymagać.
U nas na tym etapie zaczęły się kłótnie, krzyki, żądania, pretensje – wszystko obustronnie i oczywiście za sprawą buntu dwulatka. Z perspektywy czasu powody były błahe, a przyczyna prozaiczna. Moje zmęczenie (i bunt dwulatka;)
Oczy otworzył mi pewien wiosenny wieczór. Dzień niczym nie różnił się od pozostałych, ale przed kolacją dzieciaki (wówczas około 2 i 3 latka) miały odnieść samochodziki do swojego pokoju zanim usiądą do stołu. Niby nic takiego, przecież to normalne, że przed kolacją trzeba odłożyć zabawkę. Jednak starszak zechciał tym autkiem zaparkować, a co za tym idzie niemiłosiernie przeciągał moment odstawienia samochodzika. Kolacja już stygła, młodszy siedział i czekał, a Julek nadal na podłodze z zawzięciem próbował wjechać tyłem do pudełka.
Cały dzień nic mi nie szło, przez nieprzespaną wcześniej (już chyba setną z kolei) nockę wszystko wypadało mi z rąk. Dzieciaki na południe sprzeczały się niemiłosiernie, a Mikołaj rozbił kolejną szklankę, bo przecież – on siam. Non stop pod górkę i jeszcze, kiedy do chwili wytchnienia brakowało tak niewiele, na drodze stanął ten pieruński samochodzik, który nie chciał się wkomponować w garażyk. Postąpiłam bardzo impulsywnie – oczywiście szarpnęłam te autko i odstawiłam na najwyższą półeczkę, mówiąc przy tym groźnym i uniesionym tonem: „jak nie umiesz odstawić zabawki, kiedy cię o to proszę, to nie będziesz się nią już bawił!”.
Nie muszę wspominać, że u trzylatka wywołało to natychmiastową kontrę z płaczem i wrzaskami na czele. Skończyło się sporym hałasem oraz brakiem ochoty na jakąkolwiek kolację. Tym razem ta przepychanka słowna (bo nie wyobrażam sobie jak można uderzyć dziecko i nawet w ferworze skrajnych emocji mi się to nie zdarzyło), była inna. Julek zdecydowanie walczył ze mną, ale nie miał najmniejszych szans, bo dobrze wykorzystałam swoją pozycję – dorosłego i to w dodatku rodzica, z którym nie ma dyskusji.
Kąpałam go pełna złości i gniewu, wmawiając sobie, że przecież nie może mi trzylatek wchodzić na głowę, że przecież powinien być grzeczny i usłuchany, kładłam sobie różne bzdury do głowy. Do czasu wyjścia z wanny…
Wycierając główkę Julkowi spojrzałam mu w oczy. U tego trzylatka, który właściwie nie powinien wyrażać takich emocji, zobaczyłam rozżalenie, poczucie niesprawiedliwości, gniew, ale też takie oczekiwanie na coś. To było tak niezrozumiałe i oczywiste zarazem, że od razu wiedziałam, co powinnam zrobić, jednak nie do końca leżało to w mojej naturze. Położyłam Mikusia spać i usiadłam na łóżku Julka. To była najtrudniejsza, a zarazem najbardziej przełomowa rozmowa dla mojego rodzicielstwa.
– Juluś, możemy chwilkę porozmawiać zanim zaśniesz?
– Tak.
– Juleczku, mama miała dzisiaj ciężki dzień. Widziałeś jak spadły mi wszystkie książki z półki i jak musiałam posprzątać, bo Mikusiowi zbiła się szklaneczka ze sokiem, a ty całe południe kłóciłeś się z bratem?
– Wiem.
– Nie wyspałam się dzisiaj i nic mi dzisiaj nie wychodziło. Czuje się bardzo zmęczona. Bardzo się zdenerwowałam wieczorem jak nie chciałeś odłożyć samochodzika, ale to przez to, że to był dla mnie bardzo trudny dzień. Nie chciałam na ciebie tak nakrzyczeć i kłócić się z Tobą. Bardzo cię przepraszam za swoje zachowanie, powinnam ci powiedzieć wcześniej, że jestem bardzo zmęczona, robię się zła i chcę już odpocząć. Kocham cię bardzo synku i przepraszam, że tak nakrzyczałam.
– Mamusiu też cię kocham. Może następnym razem jak będziesz zmęczona to dam ci mojego Kicusia (ulubiony przytulak Julka) – on pomaga spać.
Po wszystkim poczułam się dobrze sama ze sobą, a Julek ukochał mnie mocno, stwierdził, że się nie gniewa i poszedł spać. Nie powiem wam, że po tej rozmowie już nigdy się nie uniosłam albo, że żyjemy bez sprzeczek i krzyków. Ale każdą trudną sytuację analizowaliśmy. Szukaliśmy rozwiązań. Czasem ktoś przepraszał, innym razem tylko mówiliśmy dlaczego zachowaliśmy się w taki a nie inny sposób. Czasem ktoś potrzebował pobyć sam (z własnej woli a nie za karę), wyciszyć się, pomagały ciepłe kąpiele i czytanie bajek. Często na chłodno, jak już emocje opadły uczyliśmy się rozmawiać o tym, dlaczego tak się wydarzyło.
Piszę o tym dlatego, ponieważ przyniosło to niesamowite efekty. Wydawało mi się, że trzylatek nie jest w stanie pojąć, czym jest wyładowywanie na innych swoich emocji. No i nie był w stanie tego zrozumieć, dopóty – dopóki ktoś mu o tym nie opowiedział.
Dzisiaj ma skończone pięć lat. Nadal nie do końca radzi sobie z gniewem czy złością, ale z każdą sytuacją pogłębia swoją samoświadomość, analizuje i jest coraz bliższy zrozumieniu. Dla mnie światełkiem w tunelu i takim potwierdzeniem moich zwiększających się kompetencji rodzicielskich są momenty, kiedy przychodzi do mnie synek, wdrapuje się na kolana i zamiast wyładowywać się na bracie czy krzyczeć na wszystkich, ze złością mówi:
– Mamo, nic mi dzisiaj nie wychodzi, jestem bardzo zły i wszystko mnie denerwuje. Czy możesz zrobić mi teraz długą relaksującą kąpiel? Bo ja już nie wytrzymam…
K.W.
Iwona
Pięknie to opisałaś…. Z dziećmi trzeba dużo rozmawiać, mialam tez takie momenty że nakrzyczałam na mojego synka też ze zmeczenia i zrobiłam dokładnie to co ty usiadłam z nim i wytłumaczyłam mu dlaczego. Zrozumiał i powiedział ze nastepnym razem gdy bedę się denerwować mam wziąć głęboki oddech i mi przejdzie😊
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